Psychopath
by fukuji mihoko
Summary: "You say the 'Itsuki Koizumi' from your world is the real one, but I am real, too. And I'm going to remind you of that." :main- Itsuki/Kyon sub- Itsuki/Haruhi, Haruhi/Kyon, non-con, implied rape:
1. one

**Psychopath**

* * *

This was probably a bad idea.

In fact, there was no 'probably' about it. The moment Kyon slipped his shoes off at the entrance of Itsuki Koizumi's house, he knew he'd made a mistake.

The mistake had not been entirely obvious at first, though. When Koizumi closed the front door behind them, Kyon had instantly felt trapped; he had known something was wrong.

However, it had been difficult to understand why- at least, at first.

Koizumi had smiled genially as he guided Kyon to the low table in the living room. He had asked him if he would like any tea, and apologised in the most sincere manner than he only brands he had were the cheapest. He had apologised, too, for the 'mess' in his house. Mess? Every inch of Koizumi's house was spotless- it was almost clinical in its cleanliness. The apology could have been a joke; if it had been the old Koizumi, it definitely would've been a lame attempt at humour. Or a considerate attempt to ease the awkward atmosphere. But this Koizumi didn't tack the catch phrase 'just kidding' to the end of his sentence.

For whatever reason, this left Kyon with a sense of foreboding.

Koizumi spoke in the same courteous tones with the same smile that shouldn't have existed anywhere but on the face of a shojo manga hero, but there were slight discrepancies- differences in his behaviour that were barely noticeable, but pronounced enough to put Kyon on edge.

There was a glint of _something else _in that smile.

Something that made Kyon shudder.

Koizumi's eyes were too cold; he looked even less sincere than usual.

It was almost _creepy._

Kyon remembered his earlier exchange with the long-haired Haruhi in the café; "Wow! Aliens and espers? You're serious! That's so cool! And you're saying the 'me' from the other world didn't believe it? Are you sure that was _really_ me and not an extraterrestrial imposter, because my philosophy is you can never be dismissive of data if you want to discover something truly amazing! Well, even if my 'other self' doesn't believe in you I do, whole-heartedly, one hundred percent!"

Haruhi's smile had been as wider than a Halloween pumpkin's. For that moment she had been glowing like a supernova- no, more like an entire galaxy.

That Haruhi had been a comfort. She had been… not exactly the same as her 'real world' counterpart, but similar. She was obviously the same person. A girl who had hoped for aliens and espers all her life, and had grown desperate enough to believe anything- maybe because, in this universe, there was no SOS Brigade to sate her boredom, or to keep her in tune with common sense.

This Haruhi was clutching at straws to fuel her paranormal beliefs; the other Haruhi had perhaps been more sensible. Sensible enough to know, logically, that the paranormal beings she wanted so much couldn't possibly exist in her own Brigade- they really shouldn't have existed on the planet Earth at all.

But she was still, unarguably, the same girl.

The same overly-enthusiastic, irritating, selfish, and yet somehow endearing Haruhi.

She had the same pouting mouth, sharp eyes and cruel tongue- however, she also had the same energy, excitement and that forceful, and infectious, childlike happiness.

"OK!~" Haruhi had said, still smiling. Her new nature at the news of aliens and espers had been so far removed from her previous melancholy it had been almost impossible to believe this Haruhi and that Haruhi were the same person. "We need to infiltrate North High ASAP and meet up with Mikuru and Yuki! Hmn, but…" Haruhi had frowned, her gaze flickering erratically round the café as she thought.

"We can't get in dressed like this." She had gestured to her and Koizumi's Kouyouen Academy uniforms. "What to do, what to do…"

And then she'd snapped her fingers.

"Aha!~" she'd exclaimed, with the air of one who had solved a perplexing math equation. A few people in the café had turned their heads to stare at the strange girl with the loud voice and triumphant expression. "I know! I know some people at North High, I'll just ask to borrow a couple of their uniforms for me and Koizumi."

And by 'borrow', of course, Haruhi had meant 'steal'.

Well, some things never changed, no matter what universe Kyon was in. It seemed parallel universe Haruhi _and_ normal Haruhi had the same penchant for blackmail and theft.

_Well, she wouldn't be Haruhi if she had a shred of decency in her._

"You and Koizumi meet me at North High in ten minutes," Haruhi had said, hands on her hips. There was no arguing with that tone of voice- she had stepped into the role of the SOS Brigade chief without a second's thought.

Not that Kyon had wanted to argue with her.

This was exactly what he wanted.

Then Haruhi smiled, swiped Kyon's coffee from the table and downed it, slammed the cup back down with enough force to make the other cups rattle, and marched purposefully out of the door with her face wreathed in a smile that only screamed 'trouble'. Everyone, be it customers or waitresses, who came between Haruhi and the door had scuttled away in fear.

By some stroke of good luck, Koizumi had forgotten his wallet- of course.

Kyon had sighed as he paid for their drinks.

This was another thing that never changed.

Normally, being forced into the role of the SOS Brigade bank filled him with rage (or at least, minor irritation), but this time it only served to make him sigh in relief.

"Ah, excuse me, Kyon," Koizumi had said, smiling, once Haruhi had left. Koizumi had barely touched his own drink; instead, he'd been staring at it, as though attempting to levitate it with his mind. "I hope I do not sound too forward, for it is not my intention to, but I would be appreciative if you would come back to my house for a few minutes."

"Huh?" Kyon had raised a brow.

He didn't trust this Koizumi.

He never trusted Koizumi, but this one… This Koizumi, from the parallel universe, seemed eerily different to the one he knew.

Whereas both Haruhis were almost identical, Koizumi was distinctly different from his real world counterpart, in a way that made Kyon shudder both in the café and, later, at the would-be esper's house.

"It won't take long," Koizumi had promised. "I would hate to interfere with Miss Suzumiya's plans, after all. This is fairly important, though, and I must insist. If you comply now, I won't have to resort to violence."

And Koizumi's smile widened just a little, and he gave a small chuckle.

But he never said 'just kidding'.

He hadn't said it once.

And Kyon was forced to wonder if Koizumi really _hadn't_ been joking at all, because everything else from his mouth- "I love Miss Suzumiya" –had been said bluntly, with nothing in regards to light hearted humour. Even if he _had_ been smiling when he spoke- which, incidentally, hadn't made Kyon feel better.

A Koizumi that took himself seriously was even more disturbing than a human Nagato.

It set Kyon on edge.

Even so, despite his misgivings, Kyon had agreed to go with Koizumi. It would, he reasoned, only be a few minutes- and maybe Koizumi truly _did_ have something important to discus.

Kyon's reluctant acceptance had nothing to do with the fact this Koizumi was rather commanding and that treat of physical violence had sounded far too real to be a joke; no, Kyon thought, it had nothing to do with that.

He wasn't _scared_ of Koizumi.

There was, after all, nothing to be scared of. All he did was smile and offer mysterious advice in such a highly garbled manner it made Kyon want to punch him-

_But the Koizumi _you _know would never punch back. But this one…_

_Well, would you want to try and find out?  
_

So that was how Kyon found himself sat in Koizumi's house, the imitation of Itsuki Koizumi sat across the table smiling at him.

Kyon didn't want to look at his face.

It was making him feel uneasy.

So Kyon stared resolutely into his cup of cheap tea instead, wishing it had been brewed by Miss Asahina- wishing he was _with_ Miss Asahina and the normal Nagato and normal Koizumi in the SOS Brigade club room.

Not here.

Not here with Koizumi.

"This may seem irrelevant, but I'm curious," said Koizumi, leaning forwards. "Does my house look the same as the house belong to 'me' in your world? Well…" He was still smiling. "Is it?"

Kyon frowned, partly at the question, but mostly at the dangerous expression on Koizumi's face.

'_Dangerous', huh…?_

_Since when was _Koizumi _ever 'dangerous'?_

Kyon ran a list through his head of the numerous other adjectives he'd attached to Koizumi's smiles; sickening, weird, creepy, certainly handsome but far too fake to be endearing.

But not _dangerous_.

Haruhi had wanted a mysterious transfer student, but this Koizumi- the one who had no cause to act as a character or fulfil a role- was _far_ more 'mysterious' than the Koizumi Kyon knew.

"If it's an irrelevant question you shouldn't ask it," said Kyon.

Koizumi laughed. "Were you always this rude to my other self?"

Kyon began to trace a pattern in the table top, averting his gaze. He turned over possible replies in his head, most of them sarcastic- but he wasn't sure how this Koizumi would react. Kyon hated feeling as though _Koizumi _had some kind of power over him, but this new person was so far removed from Itsuki Koizumi despite his face and name he was a virtual stranger.

Was this the real Koizumi? Was this how the Itsuki Koizumi from the real world acted behind his mask of false smiles and psychobabble?

"_The real me is far less pleasing to the eyes of others."_

That was what Koizumi had said once.

Kyon had never given it much thought until now.

In some strange, twisted sense, was this Koizumi more 'real' than the one Kyon knew? But that thought was nothing short of disturbing, like finding out your friendly next door neighbour was actually a serial killer.

"Well, _Kyon_…"

In one swift move Koizumi was leant across the table, fingers under Kyon's chin, forcing the other to look him in the eye. He was too close. Much too close. Was this another constant that never changed?

But Koizumi had _never_ invaded Kyon's space like this before. Koizumi's bangs were brushing Kyon's face, and their noses were almost bumping.

Kyon felt his heartbeat speed up.

He wanted to push Koizumi away- to get up, to leave…

But he couldn't.

It wasn't that Kyon was frozen in place from fear, or unable to throw a punch. He'd shaken Koizumi off countless times before (although, granted, this Koizumi seemed far more… intent than the real one).

But Kyon knew he couldn't leave. He_ needed_ Koizumi. He needed all five SOS Brigade members- he was positive they were the 'keys' Nagato had mentioned in her e-mail.

Gathering them all together in the club room was the only way Kyon could go back home.

But that meant Koizumi held some kind of power over him. And the worst thing was, Kyon was _sure_ Koizumi knew it.

"My other self may have no problem with being completely spineless. I'm not aware of the situation in this 'other world'. For all I know, you could be lying to me- even though Miss Suzumiya is excitable enough to believe anything."

The smirk that spread across Koizumi's lips made Kyon wince; somehow (although it may have been Kyon's imagination) Koizumi didn't look completely _sane._

"But the Itsuki Koizumi in **this **universe- that is to say, myself- does not have a reason to act in such a pathetic manner, so please don't speak to me in such a rude manner again. Manners are a virtue~"

Kyon could only stare at Koizumi, eyes wide; he couldn't move his head. Koizumi still had hold of him- he was still _too close._

_I always found Koizumi's plastic smiles annoying. I complained about them- told him he should act more like a real human being._

_But if this is Itsuki Koizumi being genuine, then… I wish he'd go back to pretending again._

_This could be a case of 'be careful what you wish for.'_

_Either way, I've learnt my lesson. I'd like a refund- I want to take this faulty Itsuki Koizumi back and get his head re-wired! Would that be a problem?_

Koizumi laughed softly. His breath fanned across Kyon's face, making him wince, turn his head away.

Still, Koizumi didn't release his grip.

"I suppose, when I asked you to compare my house and the house of the 'Itsuki Koizumi' you knew… Really, I meant this." Koizumi's voice grew softer, quicker, more frenzied. Angry. Thinly veiled anger, masked only by his splintering smile- and, again, Kyon had nagging doubt Koizumi was not right in the head.

"I've lived on this earth for sixteen years. Not even once have I doubted my existence. And then this person who calls himself 'John Smith'- an obvious lie- appears and starts spouting some science fiction bullshit about parallel universes and time travel straight from a pretentious movie. And he says I'm not me. I'm somebody else. Or, rather, I shouldn't exist." Koizumi tilted his head, peering at Kyon from under his lashes. "You can imagine my curiosity at this 'other Itsuki Koizumi', can't you? How do we compare..." His eyes narrowed. "And you can imagine my anger. Denial, maybe. 'I'm the real one. **I'm** me. Nobody else.' Well… That's what I meant."

Koizumi released Kyon at that. An expression of disgust flitted across his face, which he did not bother to disguise. Koizumi was looking down at his hands as though he'd been handling something dirty- and, once more, Kyon was reminded of Koizumi's too-clean house.

_He's not right in the head…_

Kyon fell back onto his knees, exhaling heavily. He hadn't even realised he'd been holding his breath. He could still feel the warmth from Koizumi's fingers on his skin, even though he wasn't being held in place anymore.

Kyon felt ill.

Nauseous.

This wasn't the Koizumi he knew.

Kyon had made a mistake.

He needed to leave. He _needed_ to get back to North High- to find Haruhi and Nagato and Asahina.

He needed to get back to his own world.

Was Haruhi waiting for them already?

"K-koizumi…"

"You say that, but you don't mean it," said Koizumi levelly. A façade of calm. It didn't suit his smiling face. "You're talking about the other one, aren't you? I have to say… That pisses me off."

Koizumi's eyes grew darker. Kyon had seen this happen before on rare occasions- however, closed space and the celestial blue giants had always been involved. Never before had this glare been directed solely at Kyon.

"What to do, what to do…" Koizumi sighed. Folded his arms. "If what you say about this parallel universe is true, then you really_ are_ a nuisance." That smirk broke across Koizumi's lips again, split across his handsome face like an ugly wound. "Your presence is disgusting, actually. I can hardly bear to look at you- it's making me feel sick."

Kyon couldn't help but flinch.

He didn't know how to react.

Koizumi's sharp eyes noticed Kyon's discomfort.

"Oh?" he beamed. "You're not used to such harsh words? By my standards, I was being fairly polite. I have a low tolerance for irritating people. Especially those that would do harm to Miss Suzumiya. The 'me' from your universe must have liked you a lot to be so very courteous. How interesting."

"What are you saying?" Kyon asked, slamming his palms on the table. His cup of untouched tea gave a jump of surprise, spilling its contents across the table.

That horrible expression of disgust flickered across Koizumi's face once more.

"If you hate me as much as you say, then that should give you enough initiative to help me! I'll leave your universe- leave Haruhi- and then you can-"

But Kyon never finished.

In one quick movement, hair flying and eyes narrowing and fingers grabbing, gripping, Koizumi had hold of Kyon's tie, pulling him across the table so suddenly Kyon's elbow knocked over Koizumi's cup of tea in the process.

Koizumi was too close again- much, much too close.

"And then what?" Koizumi asked. He was grinning, but his voice was low, almost _predatory._ "Let's say I believe your delusion. I believe in this parallel world, in aliens and espers, this 'other me' and this other Haruhi Suzumiya. You say _your _universe is the 'real' universe. What does that make my universe? What does that make me?"

Kyon couldn't breathe. He couldn't move.

His heart was beating faster and faster.

"If this **is** a parallel world as you say, and you are not merely deluded, then what will happen to it after you leave? Would it continue to exist as normal? Or… Would it cease to exist? What if your absence brought about the destruction of this universe- of over six billion humans beings? We could die if you left. You'd kill us all. And then you'd be nothing more than a murderer. And I don't want to die because of the selfishness of one person. _**I**_ would much rather be the selfish one in this situation. Ah…" Koizumi grinned. "If it is true, and the 'me' from your universe is protecting the world from Haruhi's powers, in this case the 'me' in this universe is protecting this world from _you_. Maybe the Itsuki Koizumi in your world is not so different to me."

"The Koizumi I know is nothing like you," Kyon said flatly. His eyes narrowed. "Koizumi would never act like this."

"Then you can't know me very well."

And Kyon was forced to admit this was the truth. He _didn't_ know Koizumi- not at all. The personality he displayed was more similar to Nagato's than anything else; one dimensional, emotionless.

But Kyon knew Koizumi would never act like this- he was friendly, polite.

_This_ Koizumi was a psychopath.

The real Koizumi wasn't like this underneath his false smiles, was he? He couldn't be…

Koizumi chuckled. "Did I hit the nail on the head?"

"Get off me." Kyon's eyes were narrowed, his shoulders shaking. He liked to think his voice was calm, authoritative- _try to channel Haruhi's Brigade Leader spirit. Haruhi would __**never **__let anyone push her around like this._

_Certainly not Koizumi._

Koizumi shook his head, smiling with obvious amusement. "No."

"Koizumi-"

"No," Koizumi repeated, leaning in closer, closer- some horrible parody of a kiss, but their mouths never connected. Instead, Koizumi placed one slender on the other's lips, silencing him. "You're addressing me by that name, but all the while you're thinking of the 'other one'; the Itsuki Koizumi you profess to know. Can you imagine how rude that is? Every word out of your mouth is an insult; I would much rather if you shut up and said nothing at all."

"Y-you bastard!"

And Kyon was trying to break free; somehow, subconsciously, he was trying to smash his fists into Koizumi's handsome smiling hideous face- he wanted to hear the satisfying crack of bones and pain and what was he _doing?_ He needed Koizumi to help him- he was one of the 'keys'- he needed all the SOS Brigade together so he could go home, but-

Kyon gasped as Koizumi threw him to the floor. He landed on his back, sparks of pain flaring up his spine. He could hear the blood pounding in his head; his heart was alternating between beating too fast and not beating at all.

Kyon felt a weight settle upon his chest he gasped again, tried to push himself up, but he couldn't. Koizumi was leaning directly above him, pinning him down. Their faces were inches away again.

Koizumi didn't even have a single mark on his face. The bitter knowledge none of his hits had connected, whilst Koizumi had managed to push Kyon down onto the floor, was just embarrassing; the cherry on the icing of the cake of humiliation.

Kyon tried to squirm, but it was futile; Koizumi was stronger than him, and his useless attempts only made Koizumi's grin more and more disturbed.

_Oh God, I hope he isn't getting off on this…_

_I always knew he was a weirdo, but this is just… Just…_

_Fuck, this is _sick.

In the end, Kyon gave up, hoping to salvage what little of his pride he had left. It was lucky he had never had too much pride to begin with, considering most people at his school saw him as Haruhi's lapdog.

Maybe that was something to thank Haruhi for.

"Now, that wasn't very smart," said Koizumi softly, staring intently into Kyon's eyes. "And I thought you needed my help. I'm not going to help anybody who tries to assault me."

Kyon turned his head away, wincing. "Tch… I thought we were going to meet Haruhi- that _was_ the plan, right?"

It was difficult to remain calm under such circumstances, but- somehow- Kyon managed it. He was inordinately thankful for his inner snark; it had created a wall of cynicsm not even Koizumi's proximity could penetrate.

_Urgh._

_Given our current positions, that was an unfortunate word to choose._

Koizumi's eyes widened slightly at Kyon's words. His smirk faltered. He looked almost lost… confused.

His expression was softer than before.

So was his voice.

"We… will be meeting Miss Suzumiya. I… can't change that. If she really believes you- if she really wants to find this 'parallel universe'- then I cannot stop her. I wouldn't want to make her unhappy. I… can't. And I don't want to see her looking sad."

Koizumi didn't sound angry anymore. Instead, there was real melancholy in those words- a sense of grief.

Depression.

"In an extraordinarily short space of time Miss Suzumiya has grown to trust you, whereas it took her weeks to open up to me. And when you were talking to her, she seemed so happy… Ha." Koizumi gave a short, mirthless laugh. "Miss Suzumiya seems to hold ordinary humans in disregard, but when she was with you… She seemed so happy. Maybe this gives your ridiculous 'parallel universe' nonsense some credit; maybe you _do_ know each other in a different universe… John Smith. I'm… jealous. What could she possibly see in somebody like you? I wonder…"

Koizumi had leant in closer to Kyon during his monologue; whispering in his ear as though confessing a sin or secret. Their bodies were pressed together; Kyon shuddered at the contact. This was _far_ too intimate...

Koizumi lifted his head to look into Kyon's eyes, his breath ghosting across the other's face. Kyon's skin prickled at the alien sensation. He tried to turn his head away, but Koizumi's invading fingers forced it in place; Kyon couldn't move.

Again, there was that predatory glint in Koizumi's eyes.

_He's not sane._

Would the real Koizumi ever have done something like this?

Images of the Koizumi Kyon knew flickered through his head- his cryptic words; his carefully constructed mask; those brief, almost non-existent fractures in his manufactured personality…

The Haruhi from this universe and the Haruhi Kyon knew were practically identical.

Did that make both Koizumis carbon copies as well?

Could the only real difference between them be that the Koizumi Kyon knew had done a better job of hiding his true personality than this one?

But Kyon didn't want to think about that.

"You've got nothing to say? Well… I have a lot I still need to tell you," said Koizumi softly.

"You always spoke too much."

"Is that so? Well…" Koizumi smiled. "Conversation takes up too much time. An error in translation- a misunderstanding in communication- can happen so easily. It's a shame. But words can only convey so much, so… Heh… Please forgive me."

Koizumi ducked his head gracefully, his bangs falling in front of his eyes. He didn't pause to push them away; instead, his grip on Kyon's arms tightened, so much so it almost hurt- but even if it did, Kyon had too much pride to say.

And then, suddenly, a warm sensation was spreading across Kyon's neck- and Kyon couldn't help but let out a small gasp.

Koizumi was kissing him.

_Koizumi _was kissing _him._

"W-what…?"

Kyon tried to keep his voice steady.

He failed quite spectacularly at it.

Koizumi drew his head away, smiling. The smile was not at all comforting. His bangs were hanging in front of his eyes; most of his face was cast into shadow. A strand of saliva connected his mouth with Kyon's neck- Kyon winced- but it severed when Koizumi tilted his head.

"Hmn?" Koizumi asked, feigning innocence. "What's wrong?"

It was some time before Kyon replied. It was hard to breathe, and his heart wouldn't stop pounding; he opened his mouth, but the sounds wouldn't come out. He swallowed, but his mouth felt dry, as though it were stuffed with cotton wool.

Kyon didn't want to stutter or sound weak in front of Koizumi, but he knew it was too late; that smirk on Koizumi's face told him as much.

"I thought you liked _Haruhi_- I-I thought… W-what the fuck _is _this? Ngh…"

Kyon flinched as Koizumi leant down again, licking his neck experimentally, trying to provoke a reaction- or maybe Koizumi was trying to shut him up.

Koizumi smiled at the breathy moan he'd produced, and made a small, contemplative noise.

"Hmn~" Then, he laughed. "How stupid. You think I'm doing this because I care for _you_? Rather, I hate you. I don't even want to look at you."

Kyon's skin felt too sensitive all of a sudden. When Koizumi exhaled against it, it was all he could do to suppress himself from reacting; he didn't want to give that smug, smiling bastard the satisfaction. He bit his lower lip, but he couldn't stop himself from twitching slightly.

"T-then… W-why…?"

"Why?" Koizumi surveyed Kyon lazily, that amused expression twisting his handsome face into something more grotesque… _Monstrous._

Insane.

"Well… I have already come to the depressing, yet inevitable, conclusion that I _will _have to help you, regardless of my feelings. And, let me assure you, I don't want to. But I can't defy Miss Suzumiya. I love her."

Kyon tensed as Koizumi's lips pressed against the exposed skin of his neck once more, leaving a trail of kisses and saliva in a sloppy, lackadaisical way. That bastard didn't much care what he was doing; there was no emotion behind it.

Koizumi was screwing with Kyon's mind for fun, just to prove he was stronger.

To dominate.

Kyon was so used to Koizumi acting as a doormat- Haruhi's personal yes man- that this display of control was making his head spin, his eyelids clamp shut, and he couldn't help the small groan that emitted from his lips.

_Fucking bastard…_

Koizumi was speaking again, disrupting Kyon's thoughts- none of which were very pleasant.

"I'm going to do what you want~"

"Ngh… I don't fucking want _this_. G-get off me…"

Koizumi grinned. "I didn't mean_ this_. I was referring to your plan. I'll go along with it- but not for you. For Haruhi. So please don't think for a second that you hold any power over me- because you _don't_. Our current situation should give you some idea of this."

There was another fumble of motion; lips and skin and slick and wet and- _ngh…_ Kyon tensed with pain. Teeth were as scraping against his neck, creating friction against his damp skin which was already too sensitive and- _fuck_- Koizumi was biting down, drawing blood- but his tongue was there again, licking at the wound, then biting down again with more pressure, and it hurt- it _hurt._

Kyon shuddered as Koizumi's tongue ravaged the open wounds and split skin left behind by his teeth. The esper's hot mouth latched around the abused skin, sucking on it- and Kyon realised, with a horrified gasp, that Koizumi was- effectively- drinking his blood.

"You see," Koizumi explained softly, whispering in Kyon's ear. "I don't much want to die. If my hypothesis is correct, and this world does disappear after you leave, what would happen to me? It is a selfish thought… But _**I **_am a selfish person, and I don't want to become a mere memory when you leave. I want to give you a reminder of my existence. Is that really such a bad thing?~"

Koizumi smirked at Kyon's unguarded, terrified expression, and bit down on his ear. There was no reason for it; it was another display of possession. Of power.

He did it because he _could._

At the same time, Kyon felt Koizumi's fingers running down his front- they were snaking under his shirt, feeling the exposed skin. Kyon felt the blood freeze in his veins and his heart stop beating as they reached, and then stayed, at his belt.

Kyon's eyes widened; he had been deluding himself that Koizumi would _never_ do that- not even this deranged, laughing, sick bastard was Itsuki Koizumi only in name- but his hopes had been naïve. Too hopeful.

Koizumi fully intended to go through with his threats.

"**I **am Itsuki Koizumi. I am just as real as the Itsuki Koizumi you know. And I will not become a mere memory so easily."

And Kyon knew he wasn't joking.

He wasn't even smiling- instead, it was a twisted, insane smirk; but Kyon was thankful for that.

He knew that would have made it worse.

* * *

**a.n: **-hides-

I really hope this doesn't offend/upset anyone. I felt kind of awkward writing this myself- and I didn't even get to any really, um, 'risque' stuff. I can't- and have no intention- of writing consensual sex scenes, so I'm _certainly_ not going to try and write detailed rape.  
Especially not of poor Kyon ;A;

Um, yeah, I actually started this fic as a oneshot about a month ago, after reading a Haruhi doujin with this same exact premise; except in the doujin Kyon was reduced to a quivering uke a little too quickly who was all 'noo, don't you remember our love for each other?' ._. (haha in doujin a lot of the time the characters seem to be really OOC XD) And while I liked the idea, I didn't really like how they portrayed Kyon… So I hope I made him a little less… blahhh here.

So yeah, this was intended as a oneshot, but I think it would be interesting to develop it and see Kyon's reaction to normal Itsuki when he's back in his normal world- but I doubt it'll be very happy. It'll be more like Kyon pushing Koizumi away, and Koizumi being confused and rather depressed- and lots of angst would ensue.

Would anybody be interested in reading a continuation of this fic? I could probably get, like, 4 or 5 chapters more out of this. And I have ideas. Ideas are good ^_^

Oh yeah, and I didn't know what to rate this. I mean, I don't think people really care, but this is kind of a sensitive subject… I didn't go into /too/ much detail, so I'm not sure if it warrants an M or not :/ Suggestions?

Reviews would be very much appreciated- y'know, to reassure me it doesn't suck. Or tell me if it does XD Thank you, and I hope you enjoyed it? Eheheh…

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	2. two

**Psychopath  
**Chapter Two

* * *

_Shari shari._

That was the sound Kyon awoke to.

It was a crisp noise, like something being sliced in two. Maybe that was how it had managed to invade his thoughts. It cut through his dreams cleanly- not that his 'dreams' had any right to be classed as such. They had been nothing more than a confused, jumbled mess of pictures and mismatching sound bytes.

His eyelids trembled slightly, but he did not open them. Consciousness was slowly seeping back into his body, like water draining into a sponge. It felt like waking up from a deep sleep.

Memories flickered through his head; Ryoko Asakura, the disappearance of class 1-9, Nagato with emotions, the sudden flu epidemic, long-haired Haruhi…

And Koizumi.

_Koizumi._

The Itsuki Koizumi with the disturbed smile who had been so unlike the Itsuki Koizumi Kyon knew, yet- eerily- he had been exactly the same.

Kyon shuddered.

Maybe it had been a dream? Kyon had experienced dreams that felt real before, every detail so vivid he couldn't help but wonder whether it had really happened when he woke up.

However, the details would always become hazy when he opened his eyes, and by the time he was running up the hill that led to North High he'd have forgotten it almost completely- the only thing he was ever left with was a ghostly impression that nagged at him for the rest of the day.

But this didn't feel like any dream Kyon had experienced before.

The 'dream' had actually been _more_ fragmented when he was asleep. The more alert he became, the more he remembered- regardless of whether he wanted to remember it or not.

The dream didn't disappear.

Instead, the memories became stronger, more vivid, as if that was what they were- _memories_. Not dreams.

Real events.

_Shari shari._

That sharp, cutting noise continued, breaking through Kyon's thoughts.

A dull pain was beginning to form at the back of his head, pressing down on him in a sickening way- he was beginning to feel ill. It felt like he'd just fallen down a flight of stairs; his body felt weak, numb.

When his eyelids finally flickered open they were met with white. A white ceiling. It wasn't his room. It wasn't morning or night, either; there was a faint orange glow spreading across the ceiling and walls.

"Oh! You're awake. I thought you were sound asleep."

_Koizumi._

Even through a haze of pain and confusion, Kyon could still recognise that voice. It was the same- _exactly_ the same- as the voice that had taunted him before, that had…

Kyon shuddered.

He didn't want to think about that.

He couldn't stop thinking about it.

_How do you pretend something like that never happened?_

Koizumi was sitting in a chair beside Kyon, a concerned smile on his face. It looked slightly more sincere than his usual expressions- but that didn't help (_his handsome face twisted with a horrifying smirk. He didn't look entirely sane._) He was holding an apple in one hand, a knife in the other, and had been slowly, methodically, peeling it.

_Shari shari._

Kyon watched, transfixed with some kind of paralysis, as light from the window reflected off the metallic surface of the knife, making it glow silver. That brought back memories, too.

Ryoko Asakura.

_Her gently smiling face, hair fluttering in the breeze; she looked so innocent. Completely harmless._

_That is, until you looked down at the knife clutched in her hand._

_The tip was coated with blood. It was dripping onto the floor; drip, drip… The sound mixed with Asakura's footsteps, creating a soundtrack to Kyon's impeding death. Kyon knew that sounded _terribly _over-dramatic, but Kyon was finding it hard to think beyond movie clichés and expletives._

_He was finding it hard to think at all._

_He couldn't move. He could only stand there, watching; watching is own blood dribble to the floor, feel the burning wound in his chest…_

"_I'm going to finish you off now. You can die. You've been tormenting Nagato- and I won't let anybody hurt her. So… are you hurting now? Does it hurt?"_

_A giggle._

"_Of course it does."_

Koizumi frowned at Kyon's expression. Setting down the apple and the knife carefully, he got up (more memories- not dreams, memories; _"__**I**__ am Itsuki Koizumi"_) and stood over Kyon, peering into his face, still wearing that concerned expression- ("_I am just as real as the 'Itsuki Koizumi you know."_)

Kyon's body tensed as Koizumi leant over him. His heartbeat sped up erratically, until it felt like his internal organs were going to jump out of his throat; he was going to choke to death on his own spleen.

…That would be a truly pathetic fate.

If he was going to die of fright because Koizumi had no idea what personal space was, he'd rather have been stabbed to death by the psychotic Asakura.

(The parallel universe Asakara hadn't changed a bit; she was just as unhinged as always. Somehow, that had been a vague comfort at the time, even though Kyon had been bleeding to death. Yep; she'd been the same creepy maniac alright. At least _she_ hadn't been given a complete personality transplant.)

Being stabbed to death would have been slightly less humiliating than _this_. Kyon didn't want to flinch or cower every time Koizumi came near him.

Even if this Itsuki Koizumi was different to the other one, they looked the same.

…What if they _were_ the same?

Kyon had no idea who (or what) Koizumi was thinking behind those plastic smiles half the time; he barely knew the esper at all. What was his true personality? There was more to him than the façade he presented Haruhi- Kyon knew that for a _fact._

(_"My real personality is far less pleasing to the eye."_

"_I will not become a memory so easily.")_

"Kyon."

That was the real Koizumi's voice- the one Kyon knew (_thought_ he knew- but he didn't, not at all). But it was getting difficult to differentiate the Itsuki Koizumi stood before him with the one in his memories- they were, after all, the same person.

Koizumi sounded concerned. "Are you alright? You look a little flushed…"

Kyon shuddered as Koizumi pressed his hand against his forehead- he was still too close, and-

_(A smirk. Fingers, lips, teeth, tongue- fingers. Pain. Painpainpain-)_

"Get off me!"

Kyon pulled himself into a sitting position. The dull pain at the back of his head turned into something more acute and piercing as he did so- but he didn't care. He didn't care about anything other than getting Koizumi off him.

Face paper-white with pain, panting slightly, Kyon pushed the esper's unwanted hands away forcefully- maybe a little _too _forcefully. Koizumi staggered slightly and retracted his arms. His eyes were a little too wide. His pupils dilated with shock for just a few seconds, but it was enough. Kyon still saw.

It was satisfying, seeing Koizumi like that.

Shocked.

He wore that perfect smile so often Kyon wondered whether he even _had_ emotions underneath; it was nice to know he was just as susceptible to surprise as anybody else.

_I won't let you get the better of me again, Koizumi. The 'other you' from that parallel universe may have been… stronger than me, but I hold more power over the 'you' in _this _universe._

"Don't do that again. Don't come near me." Kyon's voice was low, dangerous.

Commanding.

He could remember being irritated by Koizumi's space-invading tendencies before, but he had never outright said anything. Why hadn't he said anything?

Maybe it was because, even though Kyon hated Koizumi's false smiles more than anything, he couldn't deny that a happy expression suited Koizumi far more than that hurt, wide-eyed stare.

Or a demented smirk- one eye half-lidded, one too big, grinning as he caused pain and didn't stop-

_Stop._

_Stop it._

Within seconds Koizumi managed to regain his composure; his usual mask was back in place. However, Kyon could tell he was still startled- maybe even a little upset- behind that weak smile. It wasn't nearly as truthful as the one Koizumi had offered when Kyon woke up.

It made him feel slightly better about himself.

_(Painpainpain- I-I told you to stop, but…)_

It made him feel like he was in control.

"I apologise if I startled you," said Koizumi softly. "I was just so relieved to see you were finally awake- please do not think of my actions as any other than a concerned friend's."

Kyon narrowed his eyes, turned his head away.

He didn't want to listen to Koizumi- he already had a headache. It didn't help that, the more he tried to repress those memories, the more his brain threw confusing flashes of tongues, lips, teeth, saliva, blood (_painpainpain- stop it, it _hurts…_)_ and that sickening _smirk_ of the other Koizumi into the forefront of his mind.

Kyon had told himself he wouldn't beg- he would never be so weak and useless as to give in to _Koizumi_, whether it was the one he knew or the one in the parallel universe- but in the end he hadn't been able to help himself.

It hadn't mattered.

Koizumi hadn't listened anyway.

('_I'm a selfish person.'_)

"I don't want to talk to you," said Kyon. His voice was still flat, unfeeling. His eyes were trained on the wall opposite. "I don't even want to look at you."

"K-kyon-"

Koizumi stuttered.

He actually stuttered.

That was strange. The esper _never_ tripped over his own words- not even when he was engaged in a conversation in philosophy most normal people wouldn't have been bale to follow. He always sounded so calm.

Kyon couldn't help but feel a sick satisfaction for drawing such an extreme reaction out of the esper, who so often only showed one stock expression.

_I believe I will borrow the words of Ryoko Asakura for this situation, Koizumi._

'_Are you hurting now?'_

'_Does it hurt?'_

_It should._

_You _deserve_ it._

_I know you need to keep me close; you need to observe me for your Agency. _You're _the one that needs my help in this universe, Koizumi; _I'm_ the one with power over you._

…_And at the moment, I really can't stand to be in the same room as you._

_Look miserable if you want- I couldn't give a damn._

_It won't change anything._

"Get out."

Kyon heard Koizumi gasp; another sound he'd never heard the esper make before. Then he heard the sound of a door- Kyon wondered if his caustic attitude had managed to drive Koizumi away. As vindictive as his thoughts were, he rarely voiced them; he couldn't remember ever speaking to Koizumi so sharply before.

As it turned out, however, Koizumi hadn't left.

Somebody else had entered the room.

"A-ah, u-um, hello Koizumi. A-and Kyon? K-kyon, you're awake? I-I'm so happy you're okay!"

It was the sweet voice of a real-life angel.

Mikuru Asahina.

Within seconds the personification of loveliness herself was crouched by Kyon's side. Her large eyes, lined with thick lashes, stared intently into Kyon's face. Her expression was an adorable mix of worry and relief- although Mikuru was so cute any expression that graced her perfect face would instantly become cute too.

"K-kyon, we were all so worried," Mikuru said. Her voice was trembling, and her eyes were too bright. It looked as though she were going to cry.

_Ha. Taniguchi would be so jealous if he knew about this; he might actually turn green. But if I told him he wouldn't believe me. That, or he'd try to poison my lunch- get rid of the only credible 'competition' for the 'Mikuru Asahina Challenge'. Maybe he'd give me ohagi with needles slipped inside them- that's a classic._

Mikuru sniffed, wiping her eyes with the back of her arm. "K-kyon… When you feel down the stairs, a-and you didn't get up again, I thought… I-I thought… U-um…"

And then she began sniffing again. Her eyes were quivering. And- with a small apology- real tears began pouring from her eyes. Even her tears were lovely, like pearls.

"I-I'm sorry for being so silly… I-it's just, I-I was so worried about you… W-we all were… I-I could barely sleep, I was so scared! O-oh dear… I-I'm sorry, I-I must look so foolish crying like this… B-but I can't help it…" she snivelled.

"Huh? What about Kyon?"

Kyon looked up, and was rewarded with the bizarre sight of a green centipede-like creature with Haruhi's head stuck on top of it. After a few seconds pondering, he was able to distinguish Haruhi's plushy green body as a sleeping bag.

_Well, that's something to be thankful for._

_At least I haven't stumbled into _another_ parallel universe, where Haruhi is a weird half-human, half-insect like monster; I doubt that would improve her personality._

Haruhi's lips were pulled into an upside down V, and her brows were furrowed. Kyon frowned. Haruhi's hair really _was _much, much too short for that ponytail. Strands of hair were escaping the bobble wildly, in an untamed mess; stray bits of hair not quite long enough were choppily framing her pale face.

Haruhi's eyes widened as they fell upon Kyon's. Her lips pulled upwards into a small smile- a smile Kyon knew she would deny the existence of if he asked.

Then Haruhi let out a small yelp of surprise.

"Stupid Kyon! Stupid! I-idiot!"

She was squawking- but instead of being annoyed, the sound was like music to Kyon's ears. This was the real Haruhi, there was no doubt about it. And, in some strange way… he'd missed her.

Even so, he couldn't help but wince at the volume she was speaking (make that 'shouting') in.

_Good grief. Doesn't she come with an on/off switch? Countless eardrums would be saved._

_Sigh_.

With a few frenzied movements centipede-Haruhi slithered out of her green skin and pulled out her stubby ponytail. She yanked on her hair so quickly she managed to jerk a small clump of it out. Kyon saw her wince- but the wince was quickly replaced with an angry scowl.

Haruhi's trademark expression.

She simply wouldn't be Haruhi without it.

She furiously began raking her hands through her hair, trying to flatten it down. As she did, she said, "W-why didn't you give me an advance warning that you were going to wake up? I mean, like, you should've told me at least half an hour before you did! I need to prepare myself! I'm still a girl! Argh!"

"Don't be ridiculous, you look fine."

"A-ah…" Haruhi's crazed hand movements faltered, then stopped completely. She folded her arms. "Humph. Whatever. Like _you'd_ understand the pains us girls have to through every morning, anyway."

"What pains? You're not trying to impress anybody Haruhi."

Haruhi made a small hissing noise, like air being let out of a balloon.

Suddenly, the deranged girl marched over to Kyon in three steps, and stabbed a finger in his face so forcefully she very nearly put out one of his eyes.

"Shut up, Kyon, you don't know anything!" she said, flicking him on the forehead. "Don't judge me! _You're _the one who has a _lot _of explaining to do."

"A-ah, Miss Suzumiya, K-kyon is very sick, a-and-"

"Can it, Mikuru."

"Eep! S-sorry…"

Those three words, plus one poisonous look from Haruhi, were enough to silence Mikuru. Kyon didn't blame her- that death glare of Haruhi's was almost toxic. Whenever Haruhi focused it on him, it felt as though his skin was being eaten away by Haruhi's bad vibes.

"Kyon! It simply is not acceptable that you went and so carelessly got yourself injured before our Christmas hotpot party! It's totally the most _selfish_thing you've ever done, and as your Brigade leader I should punish you! You're so useless, you nearly put my hard work to waste! If you weren't there then-"

_Bzzzt._

Haruhi's inane babble became nothing more than background noise; static buzzing at the back of Kyon's head.

He didn't bother to interrupt Haruhi's tirade. He suspected, despite Haruhi's murderous scowl, she was actually enjoying herself. Her hobby- her goal in life, beyond catching paranormal creatures and 'hanging out with them'- was tormenting Kyon (and, sadly, _that_ life goal was far easier to achieve than the other).

_Let her have her fun._

_I've missed you too, Haruhi._

_Not that I'd tell you that or anything. I don't want you to get a swelled head._

It took Kyon a while to realise Haruhi had ended her monologue- or, rather, was bored complaining about Kyon and wanted to complain about something else.

"Hey, Kyon, don't ignore me," said Haruhi darkly. She reached out, and shook Kyon's shoulders gently.

The 'gently' part didn't matter- it still sent a brief shock of pain through Kyon's body.

_Ow! This girl has no respect for the injured. She should _never _become a nurse- she's more dangerous than the bubonic plague. I bet she'd kill more patients than she'd save, what with those sour expressions and her brash, uncaring, self-important attitude._

_Mikuru would _definitely _make the better nurse; she's kind and caring, and she even has her own uniform…_

"Don't think weird things about Mikuru when I'm here."

_Damn. I thought Koizumi was the one with ESP, not Haruhi._

But the thought of Koizumi was enough to make Kyon shudder.

He didn't want to remember.

But he couldn't help it.

With a barely audible groan, Kyon hastily stuffed the memory to the back of his mind _("I don't want to become a mere memory when you leave. Is that really so selfish?~_") and forced a neutral expression. He hoped Haruhi hadn't noticed.

Breathing became difficult, as though his throat was stuffed with cotton wool. He winced, swallowing, trying to keep calm.

It was a small miracle he managed to say "I wasn't" so calmly.

"Suuure you weren't. You get this stupid, cross-eyed expression when you think of weird stuff. It makes me want to hit you," said Haruhi matter-of-factly.

She seemed oblivious to Kyon's brief moment of panic. Haruhi was far too wrapped up with her own problems to pay much heed to Kyon's.

_Good._

_It means she won't ask any questions._

Haruhi pulled a face as though she'd been sucking on lemons, and rolled her eyes.

"Moron. Stupid Kyon. You don't understand the simplest of things. It's so annoying, like _argh._"

Kyon sighed. "What was your question, Haruhi?"

"I wanted to know where Koizumi went. I was gonna ask him to get me some coffee. I think he's already gone, though."

"Oh, um… I-I think I saw him leave a while after you woke up," said Mikuru helpfully.

"_Urgh._" Haruhi looked as though she'd just swallowed a fly. Her mouth pulled back into the upside-down V, and her eyes flashed with anger. "He didn't ask if he could leave. He has no right to defy me like that- he's just my subordinate! I'm the Brigade Leader! _Gah_. Why does nobody listen to me? Kyon goes and gets himself hurt, like a moron, and now Koizumi ditches out on us! I want some caffeine, damn it!"

But Haruhi's outburst was lost on Kyon.

At the second mention of Koizumi, Kyon's reaction was more pronounced. He jumped slightly- it felt as though the skin on his neck was being bitten into, his blood drank by hungry lips and mouth and tongue again and again.

_I-I don't want to think about that…_

_More like, I _can't _think about that now. What if somebody notices? They'll ask questions- Haruhi especially. That would be bad. That would just be __incredibly__ awful; just another example of the universe sabotaging my life so everyone can laugh at me, and- aurgh!- w-why is Mikuru looking at me like that?_

Mikuru's face was nervous, concerned. She titled her head quizzically, like a bird ready to peck at hemp seeds from the ground.

"A-ah… Please forgive me for asking, but Kyon, um… Is anything wrong?"

"Nothing," Kyon replied quickly (a little _too _quickly? Or was he just being paranoid?) "It's nothing, really. Don't worry, Mikuru."

Haruhi raised a brow. Then she leant forwards. Close. Too close.

Kyon felt his breath catch in his throat.

In one quick motion, before Kyon could back away, Haruhi grabbed hold of Kyon's shirt and pulled him forwards. She pressed her face in close to his- _too_ close. Much too close.

Still pouting, Haruhi stared deep into Kyon's eyes. Her expression was unguarded and angry as usual, not haughty or smirking. It was _Haruhi, _Kyon reassured himself. Haruhi may have been violent and impulsive, but she wasn't cruel (not deliberately so, anyway) and Kyon knew she would _never _do any of those things that… that…

Haruhi wore her heart on her sleeve. Kyon _knew _Haruhi- he could easily pick out a dozen adjectives to describe her.

But he knew virtually nothing about Koizumi.

Haruhi wasn't an enigma. Kyon didn't care if she was a god, or the potential for evolution, or anything else- and even if she was, that wouldn't change anything.

Haruhi was, quite simply, **Haruhi.**

That thought was soothing. It was enough to keep Kyon from panicking; instead, he sat there, motionless, staring impassively into Haruhi's searching face.

Finally, with another bitter pout, Haruhi let go of Kyon.

"You're lying to me," said Haruhi flatly. "Something's wrong. What's wrong? Don't lie to me anymore; you must've hit your head harder than I thought if youthought for one second- no, one nanosecond- that you could fool me."

"No, honestly- there's nothing wrong. I just feel tired. And my head hurts. That's all."

"How can you be tired? You were out cold for three days."

Kyon blinked at Haruhi in confusion. Was this a joke? "Three days? I've been lying in the hospital for three days…?"

"Well, yeah," said Haruhi. She frowned. "Didn't Koizumi explain any of this to you? He's normally more reliable than this. Tch. Maybe I really _am _the only competent one here. You'd all be lost without your Brigade Leader- remember that, Kyon!"

"I'll remember that, whatever. And stop pointing your finger in my face, it's annoying."

"That's no way to talk to your Brigade leader!"

"And that's no way to talk to somebody who's just woken up for a coma."

With an exasperated sigh, Kyon reached forwards and pushed Haruhi's intrusive fingers out of his face. She was always striking over-the-top poses and waving her hands around; couldn't she stand still for five seconds?

Apparently not.

No sooner had Kyon brushed Haruhi away, then her fingers were tugging at him again, pushing his head upwards and exposing his neck.

"Argh- Haruhi!" Kyon snapped, pushing his off- at least he actually _could _push her away. "Honestly, what's wrong with you?"

Haruhi scowled again, in a way that made Kyon think her pretty face was wasted on a girl like her. If she'd stop glaring at people for ten seconds, she'd look genuinely attractive- it was a mystery why she put so much effort into looking so hideous.

_I know you're obsessed with aliens and time travellers, Haruhi, but _you're _far more difficult to explain than any of that stuff._

"Nothing's wrong with _me_," said Haruhi huffily.

"Then why did you attack me?"

"I didn't _attack_ you. I just noticed something weird."

"What?"

"Right here."

Haruhi leant forwards and tapped her finger against Kyon's neck. Kyon winced; his skin felt strangely sensitive, and Haruhi's touch created a small burst of pain. For the _n_th time Kyon pushed Haruhi's grabby fingers away, and placed his hand protectively over the painful spot of skin.

"There's a weird mark on your neck."

_A weird mark…?_

"It looks like something bit you- it's gone all purple and ugly," said Haruhi. Her eyes were narrowed; she looked angry. Dangerous. "I don't care what weird depraved things you've been doing with other girls, but don't flaunt that stuff at me. Urgh. How disgusting."

_Disgusting…_

("I won't become a memory so easily.")

And, at that moment, it felt like Kyon was back there again- lying on the floor, pinned like a bug, as Koizumi looked down at him with that sick smirk…

Kyon shuddered.

He felt like being sick.

It really _had_ happened.

_So… What should I do now…?_

* * *

**a/n: **um yeaaaah.  
here's another chapter. I hope it lives up to your expectations?

Somebody offered to be my beta reader for this, and I was going to take them up on the offer, but then I… didn't… u-um… I'm not sure why…

**~renahhchen xoxoxo**


	3. three

**Psychopath****  
**Chapter Three

* * *

_Poke poke_

"Hey, Kyonnn."

_Poke poke poke_

"Kyon!"

_Poke poke poke pokepokepokepo-_

"What?"

Kyon whipped his head round, his eyes narrowed with irritation, to glare at the thoroughly insensitive person who'd dared interrupt his musings.

"Ha. So you fi~inally decided to grace me with your attention, huh?" said Haruhi sarcastically. "Took you long enough."

Of course it was Haruhi. Kyon had known that even before he turned around. Nobody else would have had to audacity to sit there, prodding him in the back of the neck with their pencil for a good three minutes, unrelenting, even when he ignored them. Anybody else would've become bored and given up after the twenty second mark. After all, the definition of insanity was 'to do something over and over again with the hope of a different result.'

But Kyon doubted Haruhi knew this- or, if she did, she didn't care. Unlike every other normal human being with the correct number of fully-functioning brain cells, Haruhi Suzumiya did not operate by 'real world' logic. And Haruhi would never back down from a fight (which, Kyon supposed, he'd initiated himself by ignoring her so astutely). She'd wear her enemy down with attrition, using the same tactic over and over again until her opponent caved and admitted defeat.

And Haruhi had defeated Kyon, too, by making him acknowledge her- and by creating a small, purplish bruise at the back of Kyon's neck from the eraser of her pencil.

That was probably why she was smiling.

When Haruhi looked that smug and self-satisfied, Kyon was always struck with a desire to draw across her face with permanent marker.

"What do you want, Haruhi?" Kyon asked tiredly.

It was a real struggle resisting the urge to curse or at her, or tell her to go away. Kyon had a headache, and he hadn't had enough sleep, and the last thing he needed was to talk to (or, rather, be talked _at_ by) Haruhi Suzumiya. Her incessant chatter about aliens and espers, combined with Kyon's already foul mood, was just asking for disaster.

It had been two weeks since Kyon had returned from the strange parallel universe and everything seemed to have returned to normal. Haruhi was her usual obnoxious self with short hair, Nagato's emotional range was about as developed as a teacup's, and Koizumi was...

Well.

Koizumi was back to being Koizumi.

Or, at least, he was back to being the Koizumi Kyon knew.

Koizumi continued to wear his light-hearted, easy-going smile like a second skin, as though nothing had happened.

Well... To him, nothing _had_ happened.

It had not been the Itsuki Koizumi from this universe that had... d-done that...

Kyon tried to avoid thinking about specific words; they were all so ugly, and any mention of 'rape' always made him shudder and bite the inside of his mouth.

T-that couldn't have happened; n-not really...

A-and even if it **had** happened (he knew it had) he couldn't do anything about it, could he? Being in denial about a crime when a few words from the victim could've resolved it was... well, it understandable a victim wouldn't want to talk but, ultimately, by not confessing they were only letting their attacker off the hook. They were, essentially, aiding the person who had hurt them. But what could Kyon gain if he confessed? It had happened in a completely different universe, completely separate from this one.

Nobody would help him.

Hell, nobody beyond Mikuru, Nagato or... Koizumi... would even _believe _him- a-and like hell was Kyon going to discuss it with Koizumi...

Being with Koizumi made Kyon feel sick.

_Pain._

_Painpainpain-_

Kyon winced, trying to push the memories from his head- trying to make his internal thought process _shut the fuck up _for just _two seconds_.

(He always thought too much.)

He didn't want to think about that; not now. Not at_ school._

Not with Haruhi.

Especially not with Haruhi.

_Pretend it didn't happen, or pretend it was a delusion, or just… J-just push it out of your mind… I-it doesn't matter, it's not important- nobody else knows about it. Nobody else needs to know._

_They wouldn't believe you._

_Or- worse still- they would believe you, and they'd __**pity **__you. Do you want them looking at you with their eyes full of false sympathies they don't understand because they haven't experienced it themselves?_

_Of course not._

_They don't understand- couldn't possibly understand._

_So you can't tell anybody and you can't do anything. Your mouth might as well be gagged, your hands tied behind your back with physical bounds- because you're helpless._

_Pretend it never happened._

_Pretend it was your imagination…_

Kyon winced; pain flickering across his face for a few brief moments.

_Denial._

_You're in denial._

Well, so what? It wouldn't make a difference if Kyon told anyone. They couldn't do anything. The Itsuki Koizumi from this universe had not been the one who'd... who'd…

_D-damn it…_

Koizumi had not **raped **him.

At least, the Itsuki Koizumi Kyon knew hadn't. It had been a different Itsuki Koizumi; a deranged, disturbed one with a cutting smile and commanding voice. He'd been almost a stranger. There had been something unsettling about that other Koizumi; something sadistic and cruel, selfish and maybe just a little bit childish- all of it lurking under the superficial mask of friendly smiles projected by the real Koizumi.

(_"I assure you, my real personality under this mask is... less than appealing."_

_"I can't imagine you could __ever_ _be any _more _annoying than you are already, Koizumi."_

_"Ahaha~ Maybe… You think too highly of me."_

"_That wasn't a compliment.")_

But, in reality, weren't both the 'Itsuki Koizumi's the same?

If Haruhi hadn't been a 'God' (or something akin to it) and the SOS Brigade hadn't been formed and Kyon had never been an important part of Haruhi's life... If all those variables had been set in place, then would Itsuki Koizumi become that eerily smiling monster in a human skin?

Did Itsuki Koizumi have the capacity to do such a thing even without those variables set just-so?

Nagato had explained the parallel universe to Kyon in great depth. Her voice remained monotone, and she'd sounded like a strange, scientific blend between several astrophysics textbooks with a good dash of human biology and DNA sequencing thrown in, but Kyon had managed to understand most of it.

The parallel universe she'd managed to create showed people as they would have been if their environment had been different. Genetically, they were the same people as the ones Kyon knew (save Nagato and Asakura, who didn't 'possess' genetics are normal people did).

W-what did that mean...?

W-what did that mean about the Itsuki Koizumi Kyon knew…?

Kyon didn't even want to contemplate what that meant.

Kyon had been hoping the parallel universe Itsuki Koizumi was not, in fact, the same Itsuki Koizumi he knew. Kyon had liked to believe they were different people, merely sharing the same name. After all, the alternative universe Nagato had been significantly different from her real world counterpart; a typical 'shy girl' stereotype from a H-game (n-not that Kyon had played many of those… Next to Taniguchi, Kyon was virtually a saint) given the name and appearance of 'Yuki Nagato'.

But Kyon had been hoping in vain.

Maybe, if the two Itsuki Koizumis had been different people, it would have been a little easier to deal with-

(_i-it hurt it hurt-_

_a-at this point Kyon didn't even care if he was crying_

_bleeding_

_stop it stop it just stop_

_begging that bastard with the razor sharp smile_

_but he didn't stop)_

-and it wouldn't have hurt so much.

B-but it _did _hurt.

Sickening; it was sickening.

The Itsuki Koizumi from the alternate universe and the Itsuki Koizumi Kyon knew (though he knew- but he'd never really bothered) were different people. And yet, technically, they were exactly the same.

There was no difference.

No distinction.

Kyon had tried to control his facial expression whilst Nagato quietly explained everything to him, but he was unsuccessful. His fingers shook so badly the tea Nagato had poured him (it wasn't as good as Mikuru's- but nothing was) splish-splashed against his bare fingers. It scalded him- but his whole body felt so numb the heat was almost welcoming.

His skin went papery white.

Even Nagato had noticed something was wrong because she paused mid-way through her narrative. She fixed Kyon with her steady gaze... and, whilst she didn't look 'concerned', per say (Nagato hadn't even looked concerned when Asakura tried to skewer her through the stomach), she had certainly looked distracted.

"Are you alright?" Nagato had asked Kyon in mechanical, clipped tones.

Kyon's reaction must have been violent to prompt a response like that from the emotionless Nagato-

B-but Kyon couldn't get those visions out of his head.

He could no longer distinguish the Itsuki Koizumi in the club room and the Itsuki Koizumi in the parallel universe as different people. They were the same- exactly the same; there _was _no difference.

Sometimes the Itsuki in Kyon's mind was wearing Itsuki's normal plastic smile and the North High Uniform- and when he was dressed like that, acting like that, there was no distinction at all.

_There were hands everywhere- lips pressing against his neck- teeth biting down- drawing blood; i-it left a bruise left a fucking bruise f-fuck… g-get off… s-stop it…_

_His plea fell on deaf ears._

_Koizumi wouldn't listen._

_Kyon bit down on the inside of his mouth trying not to scream (trying not to give that fucking bastard the satisfaction) but he managed to draw blood instead; canines cutting into the inside of his mouth, hissing in pain_

_the blood was metallic against his tongue_

_sharp_

_it helped distract him from koizumi's wandering fingers_

_plastic smiles_

_false reassurances_

'_it doesn't hurt see?'_

_fucking liar_

_liar_

_Well, that was nothing new._

_Kyon had always known Koizumi was a liar._

Kyon didn't feel safe around Itsuki anymore.

Every time Kyon closed his eyes he felt fingers trailing tracks of fire against his body. When he tried to sleep the memories replayed over and over in his head like a stuck tape. Kyon couldn't even escape Itsuki in his sleep. His dreams felt even more realistic than his daydreams- and he always awoke at stupid hours in the early morning, head pounding, heart hammering a tattoo against his ribcage as though it were going to burst.

He couldn't sleep.

He could barely eat.

He probably looked ill.

Sick.

A complete wreck.

And it was because of Itsuki Koizumi.

Hadn't Koizumi always told Kyon he was just acting? He was 'playing the part' of a charming, mysterious transfer student for Haruhi's sake- but his real personality was quite different.

_Y-yeah._

_If that was your real personality, I-I'll agree with you on that one... I-it was... quite 'different'._

_F-fuck..._

_F-fuck you._

Had Koizumi ever- looking serenely at Kyon with a small smile over the chess board- ever thought about doing something like that? Had Koizumi, when he casually slung his arm round Kyon's shoulders or pressed his face in far too close, thought about-

_It hurt the most when Kyon felt lips against his; a parody of something warmer, something much more affectionate._

_Stop pretending you care._

_Stop pretending._

_W-what, so you're going to __**rape **__me, and you're still going to try and distance yourself behind a mask? You're still going to be untrue with your fucking feelings?_

_E-everything else w-would be… b-bearable… maybe…_

_B-but the kisses were the worst._

Of course, thoughts were harmless. You couldn't always control your mind, and everybody had dark and violent fantasies from time to time; even about people they loved and cared about. If Kyon ever openly voiced one third of his true thoughts and feelings for his various classmates he had no doubt he'd be able to make himself very unpopular in a very short space of time. Besides, there was rarely any_ real_ spite in the cynical commentary that passed perpetually through Kyon's mind. That was just who he was; it was in his nature to nitpick mercilessly at everything and everyone. In reality, he didn't despise Haruhi half as much as his internal monologues let on.

But with Koizumi, it was different.

Whenever the esper looked at him, smiling cheerfully, Kyon couldn't help but wonder what was going on behind that expression. What he was thinking. What kind of dark personality lurked behind the mask.

The uncertainty was nothing short of maddening.

...Almost terrifying.

If somebody had told Kyon three weeks ago he'd soon find Itsuki Koizumi 'terrifying' he would have laughed in their faces.

But this was no laughing matter.

This wasn't _funny._

The constant nightmares; the flicker of nerves when fingertips brushed his arm; the uncertainty and, shortly after, the panic Kyon felt when he saw Koizumi in the hallways at school...

Koizumi had the audacity to look confused, maybe even a little lost- and when their eyes met one another's Kyon entertained the cheerful thought maybe, just maybe, he was hurting Koizumi too.

But not as much as Koizumi had hurt him.

_I'll never be able to hurt you as much as you hurt me… but I can try._

The mere thought of touching Koizumi- e-even the light touch of Haruhi's mechanical pencil against his neck made him shudder- made Kyon shudder.

This wasn't funny.

I-it was something you couldn't appreciate unless you'd experienced it yourself, not really- b-but it wasn't 'funny' at all.

Sometimes it felt difficult to breathe.

Sometimes Kyon almost wanted to claw his own confused thoughts out of his head- snap his spinal column or pull bits and pieces of unwanted emotions from his own body with his blood-spattered fingertips like something from a horror movie just to get everything to _shut up shut up shut up_

But his head wouldn't listen to him.

It… was painful… living inside his own skull. It was like being trapped in a room; a box; four corners, with screens on each one replaying the event over and over again and again-

_You can't escape your own mind._

_You can't escape your own skin._

_You can try and hide, but your own thoughts will trip you up eventually._

Kyon didn't know what to do.

So, like a coward, he'd run away from his problems. He'd avoided the SOS Brigade altogether for the two weeks he'd been out of hospital. Kyon knew that wouldn't solve anything, but he didn't think he could physically face seeing Itsuki Koizumi for any period of time longer than two seconds. The mere idea made Kyon feel ill.

He couldn't tell anyone. He didn't have anybody _to _tell. So Kyon kept his secret to himself; a secret not even Itsuki Koizumi knew about, and he'd the one who raped him in the first place...

But Kyon was the only one who had to suffer the consequences of what Koizumi had done.

T-that didn't seem fair- a crime where only one person remembered it, and only one person had to suffer.

D-damn bastard...

B-but-

_Poke poke_

"Kyon? Are you spacing out **again?**"

Kyon blinked, his previous train of thought all but dissipating as he stared into Haruhi's sour face. Haruhi's eyes were narrowed, her lips pursed into that typical upside-down 'v' shape, and her brows were furrowed as though she were contemplating some complex math equation.

Kyon didn't like that look.

Haruhi was far more astute than he gave her credit for.

"I wasn't spacing out. I was thinking," said Kyon, his voice perhaps a little over-defensive.

He didn't want Haruhi to know. That would be... humiliating... ...

N-not that she'd ever believe him anyway. Nobody would. Parallel universes? That stuff belonged solely in sci-fi movies with bad special effects, not in an average high school student's daily life. Kyon still remembered what Haruhi had said when he told her about aliens and espers; "yeah, _**right**_! Like that would stuff would happen so easily! Stop screwing around with me!"

And, parallel universes aside, who would ever believe the mild-mannered, perpetually smiling Itsuki Koizumi would ever... d-do that... to somebody else?

It was almost unthinkable.

Haruhi would call him a liar.

Nagato would dissect the situation calmly with her usual lack of emotion, just like a robot- or she would give some dictionary definition of the word- and, whilst she would want to help, she simply wouldn't be able to understand.

Kyon _couldn't_ discuss things like that with Mikuru- she was so pure and innocent he'd feel almost guilty saying things like that to her, as though he were... corrupting her or something. Besides, what help would she be? She'd just go bright red and start to squeal, or maybe even cry, clinging to Kyon… A-and Kyon didn't want anybody to touch him- not even Mikuru.

Kyon couldn't talk to Koizumi. He simply couldn't.

(_You're afraid._

_Terrified._

_How pathetic.)_

Taniguchi would probably find the whole situation _hilarious..._ He'd laugh. "_You and Koizumi? Pffttt_."

Kyon's teeth clenched together.

It wasn't funny.

Thoughts of Koizumi had taken root in Kyon's brain, impossible to pull out- and it would hurt too much to try. Whenever Kyon attempted to ignore those thoughts circulating in his head a voice in his head would scold him, "you're running away." It was right. He was.

But he didn't know what else to do.

_Pathetic._

_You sicken me._

_You-_

"-really aren't paying attention at all! Don't you understand how fragile pure maidens' hearts are?" barked Haruhi, slamming her hand on her desk for emphasis.

"That's funny. I don't see a pure maiden here," said Kyon dryly.

_I only see a shouting, shrieking witch._

"Whatever," said Haruhi, folding her arms defiantly. Then- obviously not prepared to let Kyon's comment go unpunished- she kicked the back of Kyon's chair. The action was petulant, childish, just like something Kyon's little sister would do. Instead of being incredibly irritating- as Kyon sometimes found Haruhi's antics- he, instead, found it strangely endearing… But there was no need to tell Haruhi that.

"You're coming to the SOS Brigade meeting today and that's final. No further discussions. No arguments. You can't weasel your way out of this time with flimsy excuses- or heads will roll!"

Inadvertently, Kyon felt his fingertips rest against his neck. He could feel his pulse hammering, erratic, underneath his trembling fingertips.

Maybe Haruhi was right.

Maybe this meeting really _would_ be the death of him.

Kyon felt sick.

_You can't run away anymore._

_Like that was ever an option to begin with anyway._

* * *

**a/n: **Hi guys! It's been a while, huh? ^_^;  
So yeah, I was searching thru pixiv to fuel my strange battler/ronove obsession and the same artist of some nice pictures also did some haruhi art, so I looked at it and… eh… most of it was about kyon being abused in various ways. And I was all 'this is terrible. Who would do something like this to kyon?' and then I remembered I had this fic, and I was all 'oh yeah. Me.'  
Writing stuff like this a little, uhh… Depressing. You know. Incredibly so ._.  
Plus, characterization after stuff like this is really hard to do, too. I was kind of thinking 'hn, I don't want to use the typical "I'm so unclean and filthy now" typical rape victim lines, but they wouldn't /be/ typical if they weren't accurate, would they?' But different people reaction to different things in different ways…

As always, thank you to the people who read and review, your input is most cherished ^_^;; Real Itsuki is in the next chapter, I promise (oh gee /that/ will be fun to write ._. /sarcasm mode)  
In other news, I was sat weird writing this and now I've lost all feeling in my foot. Yayyy.

**~renahhchen xoxoxo**


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